Reminiscence
by beardsandblueboxes
Summary: Whilst Sam is in the psychiatric ward with Lucifer, he remembers the times he had been there before. TW/ self harm, attempted suicide, drug abuse.
1. Chapter 1

It was the third time he had been Here. The first time was when he was sixteen years old and he had slit both his wrist vertically in order to escape reality, only to end up in a worse one, which consisted of a month spent in a psychiatric ward and a slight shift in the way his brother acted toward him from then on. The second time he had been Here was when he was twenty years old and he had (accidentally) overdosed, but his brother insisted that it was a suicide attempt and given his previous record the doctors didn't hesitate to send him to the psychiatric ward. He had been taking drugs in order to numb the pain and escape reality, only to end up in a worse one which consisted of two months in a psychiatric ward and the horrific pain of withdrawal symptoms.

And now, the third time, he had Lucifer in his head shouting at him and nagging him for attention, keeping him from sleeping and just generally making his life shit.

And by Here I mean several different psychiatric wards, as his job did tend to move him about a lot, but it didn't really matter that they were in different hospitals, they all seemed the same. The same whitewashed walls, the same creaky beds, the same sympathetic stares from the nurses who try so hard not to break you because they know you're already partially broken.

As Sam lay there, staring at the cobwebbed ceiling, ignoring Lucifer's constant torment, he thought back to the times he had been Here last.

The first time he had been so angry when he woke up. He had slit his wrists in the bathroom of an old motel room, whilst Dean and his father were out on a hunt. He didn't do it because he was bullied or because his father beat him, nor was it because his mother had died because of him. It was because he had been reading his father's journal. It was because a demon had called him special and hunters were looking for him. It was because if he was anything special to a demon, he may as well beat the hunters to the chase, because he knew already it was his fault his mother had died and he didn't want the same fate for his brother and his father.

His brother was the one to find him. They had come home only moments after Sam had done it, because they'd forgotten something. If you ask either of them, they couldn't tell you what it was they had forgotten, that day is the day Sammy almost died and nothing else mattered. Dean kicked down the door when his brother hadn't answered him for the 5th time. Sam was partially passed out on the floor, blood pouring from his arms. He murmured _no, stop,_ _leave me_, as his brother wrapped towels around his arms to stop the blood flow. His shook his head in protest as his father called an ambulance, as he screamed down the phone that his son had tried to kill himself. He didn't understand why his father didn't even once reach for the bottle. He didn't understand why his brother didn't once leave his side. He didn't understand why they couldn't see that what he was doing was the right thing.

The second time he had been so confused when he woke up. He had been in college at the time, and he had overdosed and collapsed on the floor of his apartment, whilst Jess and his friends were in class. He had been taking heroin for over a month now and he didn't know how to stop. It numbed the pain that he had been feeling his whole life and he knew he shouldn't do it, and he knew Jess would hate him if she found out, but he couldn't stop.

Jess had been the one that found him. He was passed out on the floor of their apartment, a needle on the floor next to him. Jess was so afraid that she'd lose him she didn't even stop to care that he had been doing drugs. She called an ambulance and then Sam's brother Dean, because, even though they hadn't talked in years, she knew that he would need family.

And now it was the third time and he had prevented the apocalypse and saved the world. And his brother walked through the door, with a look of concern plastered on his face and he asked him how he was doing, and Sam supposed he was pleased to see Dean, because he was always there for him, even though he had done so much wrong. And when Sam asked Dean why he even cared about him anymore, after all the harm he had caused, Dean replied, looking slightly disheartened by his little brother's self-hatred, that it was because he was his baby brother and he wasn't going to leave him with just the devil for company. And with that Lucifer retorted "Actually, if you are going to give me a nickname I'd prefer Satan, much classier, don't you think, Sam?"


	2. Chapter 2

Dean sat in the cold, uncomfortable hospital chair, listening to his brother talk about hunts and complain about Lucifer. Every so often Sam would flinch or react to something, Dean supposed, Lucifer had done, and Dean thought that if he didn't know what he did know, he too would believe that Sam belonged in there.

Against the whiteness of the hospital clothes, every mark and scar on Sams skin became 80% more visible. Dean couldn't help but notice the faint scars on Sam's wrists and the few faded track marks on the inner side of his right arm.

Everytime he saw the scars or the tracks he remembered. He remembered so vividly the day he found Sam on the floor of the motel bathroom, and the day Jess called him up and told him that his brother had OD'd. Dean couldn't believe it._ His little brother doing drugs, no way, that wasn't him, she must have got the wrong person._ He had thought.

But of course she hadn't, and after the initial shock, came fear and panic, until he was practically yelling at Jess down the phone to tell him what hospital Sam was staying at. And when he saw him, his baby brother, for the first time in 2 years, laying unconscious in a hospital bed, he was angry. Angrier than he had ever been. Angry with his father for casting Sam out like that, acting like he didn't even exist just because he chose to take a different path. He was angry at himself, for getting drawn in with his fathers pathetic views, for not contacting Sam, and for ignoring him when he called. He was supposed to protect Sam not ignore him.

And when Sam awoke he was shocked to see his brother. And Dean asked him why he had done it to himself, why he'd attempted suicide again. Sam persisted that it wasn't an attempt, it was an accident, but Dean couldn't believe him, and he couldn't risk it, so he told the doctor that it was, what Dean to this day still believes it was, a suicide attempt. And Sam was sent to the psychiatric ward.

Dean remembered his fathers face when he had told him where he'd been. Yes, his father was worried at first, but that didn't last. Once John knew Sam was safe, he made Dean vow not to go back there. He told him that Sam wasn't part of the family anymore, that Sam had been the one who chose to leave them, so why should they go to him whenever he slips up. Dean hates himself for listening to his father. He never did visit Sam again.

Now, as he sits with his broken shell of a brother, he promises himself to never leave him again, no matter what. He doesn't even care what Sam has done in the past, he is his baby brother and he's not going to leave him with just the devil for company.


	3. Chapter 3

The rain pounded heavily against the windscreen of the impala, obscuring Dean's view of the road. It was eight thirty on a summer's morning, though you wouldn't have guessed given the dank, dreariness of the weather. Dean drove down the route he'd been taking every day for two weeks now. He had been staying in a motel about 25 minutes drive away from the hospital. It was the closest he could find.

He arrived at the Hospital at around 9-ish. He hopped out of the car then half-jogged to the main entrance, trying to avoid the rain. Upon entering he went straight to the hospitals cafe, because goddamn it, he deserved a coffee right now, although something stronger would have been much appreciated. He drank the coffee alone at a table in the corner of the small hospital cafe. He knew Sam wouldn't be awake yet (his insomnia was getting better, and he had been sleeping for the past week) and even if he was awake, despite never wanting to leave his brother alone, Dean never really enjoyed spending time with him inside the hospital. It wasn't Sam's fault. Dean just didn't like seeing him because he felt partly responsible for how he'd become. He had deserted his own brother because of his father manipulation. Just because Sam had wanted to go to college, because he didn't want to go into the 'Family business'. Dean just felt so guilty every time he saw him, every time Sam talked about the past times he'd been here. Sam didn't put any blame on Dean for leaving him the second time. But Dean did.

Dean had almost finished his coffee when his brother's doctor came to his table and sat at the chair across from him. "Dean" he said simply. _Crap,_ Dean thought immediately, in the past any authority figures talking to him could only mean bad news. He was right.

"Your visits they have been very ... encouraging, to Sam's health. He seems to be sleeping more, and he accepts his medication with less restraint, however, -"Dean sighed.

"You're going to tell me I have to stop visiting aren't you" he interrupted. "Well I'm sorry mister but I just can't do that." Dean gave the doctor a stern look. "I understand. I mean to say, don't let him down. I don't think he could take any disappointment."The doctor had knownhis patients to have family visit every day for weeks until one day when they seem to just give up. It is not helpful to his patient's recovery and is not something he'd wish upon anybody. He just didn't understand how family could just give up on each other like that. He didn't wait for Dean's response, but rather gave dean a nod before going back to his job.

Dean didn't even finish his coffee. It had gone cold anyhow.

He arrived outside Sam's room, stopping suddenly before he could reach for the door handle. He could hear Sam's voice inside. He was talking, supposedly, to Lucifer. Dean hadn't heard him do this before. He normally ignored it, or just flinched at nothing. Dean hesitated, knowing that Sam was probably getting worse, and there was nothing the doctors could do, before knocking on the door and striding in. "Hey Sammy, how you doing?"

"Fine, better actually," Sam replied, feigning a smile. "I just want to get out of this place, they treat me like I'm insane, and I can't exactly tell them I'm fine, I'm just having flashbacks from my time in Hell, without seeming even more crazy..."

"Well, you can't leave, not yet." Dean replied. "You can't go around with the devil in your head, telling you what to do."

"Hey c'mon Dean, I'm sleeping now. I'm better, I can control it."

"Sammy, I just..."

"No, Dean, I can't stay here. We need to hunt. Demons don't stop killing because a hunter gets sick." Dean sighed. He just wanted to care about his little brother, but that proved difficult when his little brother was 28 years old and a stubborn bastard.

* * *

Doctor Cartwright had been in work for little over an hour when he saw Dean Winchester sat in the corner of the hospital coffee shop. He had been hoping to see him. In fact he always hoped to see him because he knew that if he didn't see him then Sam would only get worse.

He approached him at once, forgetting about subtlety because he could see Sam getting better, and he was determined to get him there. Although he tended to leave patients to themselves, he saw the war in Sam Winchester, and as an ex-soldier himself, he couldn't help taking notice. He didn't want Sam to get worse, he knew what it was like to watch your friends die, and face that level of destruction. So now he was doing all he could to get Sam better, and that meant getting his brother to keep visiting.

He also hoped that if he got talking to Dean Winchester, he could find out more about Sam's past, as Sam had been particularly closed up. In fact he hardly talked to any of the Doctors at all. Doctor Cartwright had even tried looking into his history, but had found nothing. No hospital record at all, no criminal record, completely clean. He thought this strange. But he didn't pry. He was too busy.

As he sat across from Dean Winchester, who was looking at him curiously, he noticed similarities in his face as his brothers. Like the way his eyebrows draw in when he is concerned, and the faint lines beneath his eyes.

He figured Dean would automatically assume he was there with bad news and so tried to keep his voice positive. He didn't have time to discuss the intricacies of Sam's health, so instead he merely told dean that he didn't want him to let his brother down, the way he'd seen so many before him.

The doctor presumed this wouldn't make much difference, Dean probably had a family to get back to, and a job, but and Sam needed family right now and according to Sam, Dean was his only family.

By the stern look Dean was giving him from across the table, Doctor Cartwright figured now wasn't the time to ask him about his brothers past. So he went back to his job and tried to forget about the Winchester's and the many questions surrounding their lives.

* * *

Dean arrived back at the motel room, tired and way too sober. He had passed a liquor store on the way back and had seriously considered using his last twenty bucks on whiskey. Luckily he had noticed the gas was low and it shook some sense into him. He needed to get a job. He would be staying here for at least another couple of weeks, and credit card fraud and hustling pool wasn't an option for a long term stay, well long for Dean anyway.

He decided he'd sleep first then look for work in the morning. He figured he didn't have many options when it came to getting a job, being a genius in the world of hunting wasn't something many jobs looked for on a CV, but he knew how to lie and he could charm his way into something if he wanted to.

He showered before sleeping because he hates the smell of hospitals and he'd pretty much forgotten what anything else smelt like.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day Dean found himself serving coffee at the local diner, only two hours after he had woken up he had the job. Dean felt slightly out of place working in the small diner, alongside mostly college students trying to pay their way.

But money was money, and people seemed to tip him quite a lot.

And every day he would turn up to the diner at 9am and finish the day at 5pm, when he would go and visit Sam until he was asked to leave. By the second week he had come accustomed to the job. He spent his days cleaning tables and making coffees, hiding behind a facade and pretending that he was normal and that he didn't have extensive knowledge of how to build a bomb using pretty much every day materials.

Monday was a slow day. There had been only 3 customers by midday and only one had eaten in. He picked up a newspaper that the old man had left behind and began reading it, for any mysterious disappearances that could mean a new case, mostly out of old habit and boredom. However it was only the local paper so he expected nothing. So the first page kind of shocked him.

The title read;

"Two local women found dead"

It seemed odd for that to be all was said in the headline, given the actual nature of the deaths. But it was just a local paper, and any local deaths would probably ensure the reader's attention. Which was shit for Dean.

He hadn't meant to hunt whilst Sammy was in hospital but he couldn't just ignore it. Sam was right, demons don't stop killing because a hunter gets sick. And it had been local, which in all honesty probably wasn't a coincidence, which _was_ scaring the shit out of Dean because Sam was sick and they couldn't handle an army of demons right now. But right now he had other things on his mind. His fucking face was staring back at him.

**Two Local Women Found Dead**

_Samantha Holden (36) and Christina Lopez (23) were found dead in an old warehouse on the outskirts of town. Both bodies seemed to have undergone severe trauma, following, what is being suspected as an attempted exorcisms. Pentagrams and other satanic sigils where found spray painted around the room, indicating that this could possibly be some kind of religion based murder. The girls were found dead by local farmer Roger Smith who heard screaming whilst taking his dog for a walk. He told reporters that he heard something and saw what looked like a male figure fleeing from the crime scene, although he stated " I was in a state of shock and couldn't be accounted for much". _

_Similar MO was also found in serial murderers known as the Winchester brothers. Previous crimes committed by the two brothers include a murder of three women in St. Louis 6 years ago, a bank robbery and hostage situation shortly afterward, grave desecrations and breaking and entering. Many other crimes are linked but not proven to the Winchester brothers. Both brothers are supposedly deceased, but witness accounts suggest otherwise. The brothers are known for breaking out of a high security prison and were found alive after being presumed dead some years ago. The FBI are yet to give a statement. _

All he could think was he had to get out of that stupid town. He knew he was an idiot for not leaving last night when he had heard the farmer turn up, but he supposed the man hadn't seen him and he'd forgotten that the media still remembered him.


	5. Chapter 5

Dean immediately left the diner, his boss called after him, but she was soon distracted by something else. A few minutes later the news flashed onto the screen of the diner, Deans face appeared next to another's as the presenter talked of the recent murders. Fear and panic flashed through her and she couldn't believe this charming young man was the same man that had committed these murders, and those before. Panic struck and she froze. It wasn't until Jim mentioned that she had been clutching the phone for 5 minutes without making a call that she came to her senses. She had to call 911.

He had seemed so nice, so charming. But that's what everyone says, isn't it, because if you had though of them as strange you would've suspected something. But you never do. To think of it, she never heard him talk about his past. In fact she never really heard him talk about himself at all. And now she was freaked because she realised how little she knew about the guy and she had just let him work for her. He was a freaking serial killer and she had introduced him to her daughter. And now she was fucking terrified because he was still out there, and he could have killed god knows how many people and she gave him a fucking job.

Dean was freaking out. He had been sat in his car for like five minutes trying to figure everything out. He needed to get to Sammy and they needed to get the hell out of there. This was gonna be hard. Not only did he have to get Sam out of the hospital, hoping that no one there had seen or heard the news, which was highly unlikely, he then had to deal with Sam once they'd gotten out, not to mention the fact that they'd be wanted by the FBI again, and not even they could get away with a third fake death.

Inside the hospital Rory, a young nurse knocked on the door of the room of Sam Winchester, before entering anyway because that is what you're supposed to do, for some reason. When he entered the guy was sat in the corner of the room, his hands over his face, and his hands covering his face. Rory didn't know whether he had heard him knock, and he thought the go-in-anyway rule was kind of stupid, so he tried to announce himself, to let this Sam guy know he had his lunch, but all that came out was a feeble cough.

Sam jumped at the sound; obviously he hadn't noticed the nurse entering. He gave a weak smile, he didn't want to seem like some raging psycho, although it was getting harder to disguise, he thought to himself. He had at least been sleeping... a bit.

After leaving the food tray in the room, Rory left, without saying anything. He sat before the computer screen and realised the time. "Hey Joe, lunch break?" Rory said, leaning over the desk.

"Yeah, hold on..." Joe replied. Rory nodded then grabbed a newspaper from the cluttered desk. Unfolding it, his heart skipped a beat as he saw the front page. He froze and read through before internally freaking the fuck out. As he looked up he saw Dean Winchester towering above him.

"Hey" Dean smiled. The young nurse's eyes grew wide with fear. _Shit. _He seriously didn't have time for pulled his gun out; concealing it behind his jacket so only the nurse could see it. "I need to see my brother." He said bluntly. The poor guy looked terrified. As the guy stood the lights shut off. The nurse looked around confused, concerned for a few moments that it was him that had somehow caused the lights to turn off. Then reality struck and he remembered that he was being held at gunpoint by some psychopath and the lights were the least of his worries.

They both stood there, still. Some people around them were looking confused about the darkness situation but no one paid much attention to them. Dean leaned forward. "Forget about the damn power cut, take me to Sam" The nurse nodded quickly. Shuffling from behind the desk, he led the way. As they got closer to the door, Rory could see himself dying. He was too young, he really didn't deserve this, he thought. Of course he would be the one to get shot by the raging psychopath on his first week of the job. Such is life. Right? Some kind of fucked up life anyway. At the door he noticed the lack of sound behind the door. Normally he could hear something. But he opened it anyway and just hoped that he had gone to sleep or something.

As the door swung open, both Rory and Dean's hearts dropped. Sam wasn't there.

* * *

**/I don't really know how hospitals work, so sorry if there are any errors, or whatever regarding anything. **


	6. Chapter 6

**10 minutes earlier. **

Sam sat in the corner of his room. Lucifer had left him alone, for now anyway. He just wanted to sleep. The young nurse had just left the room and Sam sighed because he just wanted some form of contact with the outside world. Yes he had Dean, but only a couple of hours a day. And sure he could live without Dean if h needed to, but he'd rather not, especially when his only other source of company was the devil in his head.

He noticed on the tray, beneath the plate of food he would not be eating in fear of maggots, was a newspaper. Sam smiled to himself. Maybe he could check for hunts and tell dean about them later. Dean would probably argue against it and tell him that he wasn't going to hunt whilst he was ill, which was pissing Sam off, because he wasn't going to get better because dean stopped doing his job. However any thoughts of finding a case flew out the window when his eyes landed on his own face. And Deans.

He read through the article quickly then realised what he had to do. He had to get out of there and find Dean before the cops found them, or even demons. The article was bound to be on the news by now, which would lead and army of demons straight to them.

He moved fast, as he didn't know how long he'd have until someone recognised that the wanted murderer was hiding out in the psychiatric ward. He left his room and found a nearly empty corridor and walked briskly down it, trying not to draw any attention toward himself.

"What are you doing here?" Dr Cartwright asked as Sam turned a corner. Sam's heart dropped. He knew what he had to do but Dr Cartwright had been so damn nice. Before Dr Cartwright could say anything else, Sam knocked him out, surprised at his own strength, given his current situation.

However now he was faced with a bigger problem. There were more people filling the corridors and he couldn't risk being seen. He hid Dr Cartwright unconscious body in the janitors closet, and went to leave, before noticing the light box. It was his only hope of escaping without anyone seeing him. It was quite dark out as the rain clouds were hovering overhead, threatening to spill at any minute. Sam could successfully navigate from the janitor's closet to the fire exit then hotwire a car and find out where Dean is staying. It wouldn't be that hard, just the closest motel to the hospital.

With a plan set, he pulled the light switch and waited for the flutter of slightly concerned whispers, which quickly died down.

He pushed the door open, and carried on down the corridor. People passed him, nurses and doctors trying to carry on their duties, despite the supposed power cut, however he remained unnoticed. His clothes would be concealed by the dark, and who were they to question a man walking through a hospital when they had more important things to do, like fix the power.

After transpiring through the maze of identical corridors, Sam managed to reach the fire exit. He smiled to himself and jogged toward it, pushing at the door, his heart filling with hope. But all that hope drained from his body as quickly as it had arrive, when he heard the unmistakable sound of a shotgun being fired, before the resounding sound of fear rippling throughout the hospital.


End file.
